Seth Payne

In Late 2007, a close friend asked me to share my thoughts on God, spirituality, and Mormonism. This letter was the result. This is is an expression of my Mormon faith after a long struggle and it works well for me. Of course, there are many different paths.

The questions of faith that you mentioned in your email are some of the same questions I have pondered and struggled with.  I’m not sure that I have any answers, but I have certainly become more comfortable with uncertainty, paradox, and contradiction.  In fact, I find beauty and a sense of wonder within these things.  When one believes that they have an entire eschatological system worked out and that they understand their *exact* place in the universe, life can almost become mundane and a type of drudgery as if we are simply cogs in part of some larger system.  But before I go waxing all abstract on you, I’ll tell you a bit about how I feel about the Church and those typical “Sunday School” answers which you have become so tired of.

Any church or specific set of doctrines or dogmas will eventually face a time when those doctrines are challenged by science, “facts”, history, or even simple human experience.  The encounter with these challenges is part of a maturation process.  Catholicism, Judaism, and all other Christian sects have had to face these challenges and have adjusted in various ways.  This adjustment happens on both a macro and a micro level.  Institutions change as well as those who subscribe to a certain set of beliefs.  I’m sure you are aware of the concept of cognitive dissonance – the process in which we all hold as true, two or more beliefs which cannot both possibly be true.  Each of us have varying levels of tolerance for this kind of dissonance and we all have various ways to resolve the internal conflicts within our own minds.  Apologetics is an exercise in minimizing cognitive dissonance – one which I relied on heavily for many years to quell the many questions I had about Church doctrine, history, and practice.

To make a very long story short –I won’t bore you with the details of what led up to my epiphany – because it really was a sort of sudden realization completely unexpected yet truly wonderful – but I will give you the essentials so that you can understand my experience in context.  I have long considered myself a serious student of Mormon history and doctrine and have, for many years felt as though I was trying to force square pegs into round holes.  Some church-specific claims either simply didn’t match up with my own experience or a particular claim of Joseph Smith turned out to be not quite right.  (If you would like, I can give you more details on specific issues I struggled with but I don’t think the specifics are relevant here and would only serve as a distraction to the main ideas I am trying to convey.  I don’t want you to think I’m avoiding the issue J) So, I was faced with significant cognitive dissonance.  On the one hand, I have had many spiritual experiences at Church, reading the Book of Mormon, or attending the Temple. I had a testimony it was “true!”  Yet on the other hand, there were certain facts which simply could not be reconciled with some of the Church’s specific doctrinal or historical claims.   I sought out answers to some of my questions and thought that perhaps I was missing some key bits of information or that my mind was being tricked by Satan into having issues which really had no merit.  Of course, the problem was that these issues – these square pegs, as it were – ended up distracting me from my spirituality and my ability to enjoy true worship of the Lord – as I kept trying to make them fit into the round doctrinal holes of Mormonism.  How could my spiritual experiences be authentic and my testimony real, while these specific issues of history and doctrine were undeniably just as real?

Fortunately my coursework at Yale has allowed me to delve deeply into many of these subjects and perhaps most importantly, I have seen and learned that these struggles of faith are not confined to Mormonism.  All faithful people struggle with how to reconcile their divine beliefs with those that come through a more rational process.  The New Testament has “problems” as does the Old Testament.  The history of all Christianity is riddled with missteps and happenings which undermine specific truth-claims.  This struggle is common and very real.

It all really came to a head for me last summer.  I spent the afternoon on August day reading a book about Book of Mormon archeology and the Book of Abraham.  As I finished the book, set it down, and remained thoughtful for a few minutes.  After a bit, I said out loud “It’s all Bull****.”  In this singular moment I had come to the conclusion that Mormonism was just “not true.”  It wasn’t that the book I had just read was particularly persuasive or influential.  Rather, that moment was the culmination of years of dissonance and I simply could not do it anymore.  I had run out of faulty answers and absurd explanations to try and make many disparate sets of facts fit together.  I stood up believing that Mormonism was simply not true.

That was a frightening moment.  Did this also mean that God didn’t exist?  Certainly no other religious tradition seemed any less problematic than did Mormonism.  I wasn’t about to jump from one set of beliefs to another with the same types of problems.  For a brief time, it really seemed to me as if there were no God and that this rabid secular humanism we see all around us may be what it’s all about.

It is almost as if I had hit some sort of “reset faith” button in myself.  In a matter of hours, I had gone from being a mostly believing Mormon to being perhaps an atheist but more likely an agnostic.  Over the next few days, however, I reflected on my own life and my own experiences.  How could I possibly deny the existence of the divine and the movement of the divine will within my own life?  I have seen the miraculous.  My prayers have been answered in surprising and amazing ways.  When trouble comes – the first place I turn to is prayer.  I feel a sense of peace and calm; a presence of love and understanding; a sense of purpose.  I feel God.   I believe in God.  I have faith in God.

Having resolved the question of God’s existence to my own satisfaction, I was still facing all of the same problems of Christianity generally and Mormonism specifically.  I suppose I can blame my education at Yale Divinity School for helping me to understand the very human nature of scripture, its composition, and biases.  One of my favorite classes has been the study of what is called the “Historical Jesus” – the attempt to identify what can actually known about Jesus from the Gospel records.  A careful study shows that early Christianity – especially the theological developments of Paul, seem quite different than what we can reasonably assume that Jesus actually taught.  Jesus’ message is very simple, yet later writers –again especially Paul – seem to develop a theology that is simply not present in the direct teachings of Jesus.

Of course, I am a realist and although I remain skeptical about some of the later NT writings — at least inasmuch as they are meant to be representatives of Jesus’ actual theology – I must admit that some of these sources were actually close to Jesus and may represent his theology and teachings.  I’m not ready to conclude otherwise.  I suppose the bottom line is: I believe in Jesus.  Jesus has been part of many of my spiritual experiences and whether or not Jesus was actually divine, born of a virgin, and was resurrected, He is part of my spiritual connection to God and I have on many occasions felt my burdens lifted through his sacrifice.  In other words, whether or not Jesus *actually* was any of those things I mentioned above – He is still real to me and provides comfort when I struggle and lifts me up when I am down.  In my new found faith, meaning does not necessarily require an association with the actual occurrence of a particular event.  To put it more dramatically – even if Jesus were a completely fictional character who never existed in reality (a position which I certainly *do not* hold) – He still has significant meaning in my spiritual life.  It was at this moment of realization I understood that I *knew* less about Jesus – meaning that I could no longer testify that I *knew* Jesus was born of a virgin and resurrected –   but I felt the power of Jesus and his love in my life like never before.  As my knowledge of certain aspects of his life decreased, my faith in Him increased exponentially and I began to understand and appreciate more fully the wonder of his ministry and the true power of Christ to shape and mold my own life.  I realize this must sound like lunacy…. But I think it is a fair representation of my experience.

Armed then, with the realization that God can speak and move through ideas and myth – and not simply through actual occurrence, I began to take a second look at Mormonism.  With such an understanding, all of the doctrinal and historical “problems” of Mormonism disappear – as all these problems deal with issues of actual occurrence and history.  So much of traditional Mormon faith is built on a professed belief in the reality of Joseph Smith’s first vision or in Moroni’s actual visit to deliver the Gold Plates.  Yet, this reliance on actual occurrence and the attempt to associate these divine actions to some type of earthly event strips them of much of their potential meaning.  So, does it really matter if Joseph Smith had the first vision or merely reported having a vision?  No!  The real value of the first vision is in how God can speak to me through this narrative of the first vision and what I can learn from it.  The same holds true for the Book of Mormon.  I am fairly certain that large parts of the Book of Mormon were introduced by Joseph Smith by borrowing from his immediate surroundings.  Does this invalidate the divinity of the Book?  No!  If one looks carefully at the teachings in the Book of Mormon, one does see “borrowing” of other sources and an undeniable modern influence.  However, one also sees the beauty of its literature and how these “borrowed” ideas have been expanded and expounded upon.  Joseph Smith didn’t simply “borrow”, he enhanced and presented a book full of rich meaning and incredibly deep theology.  Therefore, does it matter if the characters in the book actually existed in history – Nephi, Lehi, Alma?  No!  The focus on actual historicity conceals the true wonder of the Book of Mormon.  As I read the Book of Mormon now, with absolutely no concern about its modern influences and historical problems, I am filled with an incredible spirit of love and appreciation for the many ways in which God chooses to teach and mold us for his divine purposes.  Must I accept everything in the Book of Mormon?  No.  The idea, for example, that somehow skin color is related to individual purity or righteousness is absolutely repugnant.  However, it is not necessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as it were.  The Book of Mormon is divine.  There is no question in my mind of that fact.  I have a testimony of that.  But can I tell you that I believe there was an actual man named Lehi who left Jerusalem in 600BC?  No.  It’s possible, but unlikely.

Thus, many aspects of Mormonism have become myth or allegory to me and this frees me to form a more intimate and personal relationship with God.  Is Joseph Smith still a prophet?  Yes.  Inasmuch as God moved through him to teach incredible things and form an amazing community of Saints.  Do I accept everything Joseph taught?  No.  I reject the notion of polygamy as a divine principle.  I realize that the Book of Abraham was not translated from the actual writings of Abraham yet still has spiritual value.  I do not believe that the Mormon church is the *only* true way in which God communicates to his children.  Rather, it is one of many ways in which God reaches out to and comforts those who have faith in Him.

Most importantly, I have changed the questions which form my testimony.  Rather than asking: “Is the Church true?” I now ask “God, where do you want me to serve?”  The answer for me is the Mormon Church.  I love the Church.  It is my heritage and its members are my people.  I understand them and they understand me.  The Church is a wonderful and caring place – it’s not perfect – but it is a good place to be.  Also, I am no advocate.  I would not push my particular faith on anyone who is comfortable with their own faith.  If a person is comfortable and happy with a literal view of the Book of Mormon or the Book of Abraham, then I say go for it!  Build your faith in God through those means.  My faith has taken a slightly different path; a more abstract path; a less certain path.

Guilt has also left me.  No longer am I concerned if I am working hard enough or praying long enough or keeping this commandment or that commandment…. I found no joy in those things and always felt that they pushed away the spirit by making me feel inadequate and lonely – almost unimportant before God because I was incapable of being “good”.  In my new found faith, I know that God loves me and it is his love that makes me want to love others and care for others, not because it is what I am “supposed to do” but rather, because it is a natural outgrowth of feeling the divine in my own life.  In traditional Mormon faith I fear that people can sometimes be inadvertently used as ends.    I visit my home teaching families because *I* need to do my home teaching in order to be a good priesthood holder.  In this scenario, I don’t really love my home teaching families but rather, am using them as means to pursue my own conception of perfection.  Think of the many young men and women at BYU who are looking for spouses – mostly out of love but also because that potential spouse is the means through which they will gain exaltation.  What I am discovering is that my new faith is developing within me a love for its own sake and not simply as a means to salvation or exaltation.  I’m not there yet.  I imagine this will be a life-long process.  Yet, having abandoned some difficult church dogmas, I feel myself freer to be Christ-like for its own sake.

I can no longer describe what God is like or if he has a body or is a spirit or is some sort of other elemental force.  I have no idea.  God has become a mystery – a loving mystery.  Even thought I can’t give a concrete answer to my own purpose in life or in a larger cosmic drama, I am confident that there *is* a purpose and a being, or force, or power who is intimately concerned with me.

Things Mormon

You asked me how I feel about the priesthood and temple and it would seem that these would be simple issues to answer.  However, I find my relationship to these specific types of worship more complex and meaningful now than I ever have.  I have come to appreciate the deep meaning of these spiritual centers of Mormonism and although I no longer accept *all* of Joseph Smith’s teachings and revelations, I do recognize his absolute religious genius and see him as an instrument in God’s hands.

I believe the power of the priesthood is more a matter of faith in God than in any specific grant of authority.  I still give and ask for priesthood blessings and find that they “work” – if that is the term to use.  I believe that when we seek God through faith He will respond to our faith and hope.  The priesthood to me is a manifestation of this.  So, I view the priesthood more in an abstract sense than in a formal one.

In regard to priesthood authority and how that plays into church callings etc… — of this I am more skeptical.  The rigid hierarchy of “priesthood keys” and how this one priesthood office has more or less authority than another – seems a bit too structured to me.  However, I think such structure has value as far as the Church is concerned.  Indeed, it has become part of what gives the Church such incredible vitality so I don’t think such structure is invalid in any way.  I love the Bishop and Stake President here in New Haven and I do believe that God helps them lead and guide our Stake and Ward.  I believe that they are inspired and do receive guidance to help them in their responsibilities.

I actually worked in the Provo temple a few years ago as a temple and veil worker.  It was a wonderful experience and I gained an incredible appreciation for the spirituality which exists there.  Much like the priesthood, I view the Temple as an instrument through which God teaches members of the Church.  Do I believe that we will be required to give certain signs and tokens to angels as we enter the celestial kingdom?  No.  But I do see tremendous value in much of what the temple teaches and in the ordinances themselves.  To be honest, I’ve never been very comfortable with the endowment ceremony but I have always loved the celestial room.  The opportunity to pray in a peaceful, beautiful, and quiet place is a rare opportunity and I think that it is one of the main benefits of temple worship for Latter-day Saints.

On God

I think your struggle with God is very authentic and understandable and I believe that each of us encounter one form of your struggle from time to time.  While I don’t pretend to have any answers I can tell you a bit about how I see my own relationship with God in hopes that it may offer some insight or perhaps illuminate some thought yet undiscovered.

I believe that my relationship with God has much more to do with my own self-conception than it does with my conception of God.  In fact, as I have allowed God (in my own mind and thoughts) to be mysterious and unknown – yet absolutely present – I have experienced a profound change in my own faith and in my interpretations of what happens around me.  In the past, there were times where I saw God as master of immutable laws – both physical and spiritual.  In a sense, God was much like some of the simple scripts I write in computer networking and programming – if A then B.  If C, then D.  God was a massive if/then statement.  If I did something or brought my own mind into some alignment, then God would react in some expected way.  If God did not react in the expected way, then obviously I had either not been in proper alignment to begin with or God was trying to teach me something through the misdirection.  In this type of relationship with God, I was trying to solve a complex equation without knowing all of the variables.  Of course, the end result was nearly always failure to some degree.

To put it crudely, in a system where I expected certain blessings for certain actions I always felt profoundly inadequate and guilty.  If life was difficult, it was my fault for not being a certain way or doing a certain thing.  I sense a little bit of this in you; that somehow your feeling of alienation from God is somehow your fault or your doing.  This may well be the case but not due to any action or inaction on your part but rather, because of your conception and expectation of God.  You mentioned that you may not trust God, but in order for you to trust or distrust anyone, you must first have an expectation of that person.  Otherwise, they would be unable either to fulfill or disappoint us.  I believe that ultimately, faith is believing in God without expectation or assumption; without any notion of any kind.  It is only when we hold pre-conceived notions that we can become disappointed.  When we allow God to manifest himself without distraction of our own conceptions, it is amazing what we can experience and understand.

Perhaps just as I pressed my own internal “reset” button in regards to the Church,   you should press the reset button on your conception and expectation of God.  Let go of those things that you “know” and believe and allow yourself to rethink and relearn.  You mentioned that you have had many experiences illustrating to you the existence of God.  I too have had those experiences.  Wipe the slate clean and view the world anew to develop an experience with God which allows you to feel peaceful, of worth, and happy.  I believe that God is aware of you and, for lack of a better term, has a “plan” or purpose for you.  I also believe that your current struggle is worthwhile, even though it is painful.